Feeling Lost....

I sit here with a heavy heart; I am feeling all sorts of pain. I lost a parent recently; I knew that this day would always come so I cannot say it was a complete surprise. And while, I was somewhat prepared for this, another part of me isn't; I am not ready to say goodbye and I am not ready to only have one parent.....

My dad had a lot wrong with his physical health. Over the last few years, it would not be an unusual thing for us to call the ambulance and for him to spend a few days in hospital; but he would always come back. My dad was a fighter; he'd come back home fit as a once-broken-but-now-somewhat-repaired fiddle. And while this was not ideal, we'd much rather have an unwell dad than a dad who is no more. I know that's a selfish thing to say but I also know my dad was not ready to go.

I always looked up to him; he was intelligent, ambitious, strong and a larger than life character. Even the doctors remarked she was surprised to see he lived as long as he did based on the scans of his lungs. She said it must have been sheer will and determination that got him through his last years.

I feel sad for a number of reasons. Firstly, I have lost a parent. Secondly, and largely, my dad and I did not have the best relationship, it wasn't the worst but it could certainly have been better, I keep thinking about the times I could have been nicer. And finally, I keep thinking about all the things I couldn't give him while he was alive. My dad loved my niece; she turned 1 a day after my dad died. My niece was the apple of my dad's eye. He loved spending time with her. There would be times when he'd come back from dialysis (he had dialysis three times a week) and he'd rush over to play with her. I am sad that I couldn't give him a grandchild; I know he would have loved to be a grandfather to more children.

I am also sad that he saw me struggle with jobs, relationships and friendships. I wish I could have made him proud of me. I wish I could have given him the peace that I will be able to make it on my own. I know that I can; but I don't think he knew I can.

I am also sad that our house, which used to be so full at the beginning of the year with six of us has now whittled down to just two. My sister was home with her husband and daughter and there was me, mum and dad. A party of six. My sister has moved out; she's only a few minutes down the road; so now, it's just me and my mum.

There is so much more I want to say, so much I am going through and so many things I am trying to process. I am trying to take baby steps, I am trying to take care of myself but I am struggling. Simple things like eating and sleeping properly seem so hard and I cannot shut off my thinking.

I know that one day, all of this will be a memory and I cannot wait till then. But right now, this is the darkest time of my life....