My healing journey

I am on my own healing journey. It's not easy and at times, it has been confronting. But here I stand, hoping to be a stronger me at the end of all this....

There are many reasons I feel so much pain right now. So much processing I have done and so much more to do. I am still on my self-healing journey, as I am sure we all are to some extent.

In so many ways, I am not the girl I used to be before the pandemic hit. I know I will never be her again. I mourn who I was when I was her; I wasn't happy but I believed I could be. I was confident, I knew the world had a lot to offer and I wanted to take it with both hands, embrace it and be part of everything.

Fast forward to now. Struggling (sometimes not so silently) on a few fronts. I feel anxious, like I am constantly looking over my shoulder. Over the past two years, my worst fears in different scenarios came true. It should make me feel that I can handle anything, having gone through all that I have in a relatively short time. Instead, I worry about what else can go wrong.

I am scared to let myself be happy; is it fleeting happiness I am experiencing or will it last. Can I be comfortable or is there something wrong? Will I ever be good enough?.... So many questions, fears and worries constantly going through my mind. Sleep disturbed, head constantly hurting from the worry. Headaches from anxiety are a real thing apparently.

But, I am trying to be a better, stronger and healed me. And here's how I am doing it:

Being where I belong

I will only be where I belong, where I feel comfortable to be me and where I feel my value is seen, acknowledged and appreciated.

Surrounding myself with love

While I am still trying to find my feet, I will only be in the company of those who on some level make me feel special and loved.

Being my authentic self

I've been having some incredibly uncomfortable yet honest conversations. I am temporarily abandoning pride and saying and doing what I need to for me. At times, it feels hard, other times I feel lighter and relieved that I have done and said what is right by me. I want to have no regrets and I am being authentically me.

Being kind

I am my own advocate, I am standing my ground but I centre it round being kind and respectful. I let people know I will only accept the standard I give them. I won't do anything to others that I won't accept done to me.

Positive affirmations

I am writing regular notes of positive affirmations to myself. Whenever I do something challenging, I write a note to myself. I tell myself I am proud of how I have handled the situation in the way that I did. These are situations which I find uncomfortable and have struggled with but I make sure to handle it in a way that is right for me.

Getting out of my comfort zone

I am getting comfortable being uncomfortable. I have gone out of my way to make some new friends, which isn't easy in 2022. I've let my hair down and relaxed more around new people, reminding myself that people are fun and not always so scary.

Limiting distressing conversation

I will limit conversations when a subject causes me more distress than good. After all, my mental health is more important than a conversation. People may push and probe me but it is up to me how much I want to talk about something and it is up to me to stop the conversations that I am not happy with.

Taking less advice

Advice can be good to a point but too much of it can be debilitating. I sometimes find the well-intended advice somewhat conflicting to my true self and true intentions. I don't need people to agree with my actions, I just need to agree with my own intentions.